no direction.

"life is not about finding yourself, its about creating yourself."

who am i? that cliche, angsty teen question is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. i don't feel like i have a clear sense of who i am, and its disorienting. that is, i know exactly what i want to be, but i don't think i will ever get there.

i want to be carefree. i want to be effortless. i want to be a free spirit, just floating about on a whim, with no regard to logic or planning. i want to travel on a whim, take a road trip if i feel like it, go to a music festival and camp out, leave anxiety behind.

i want long wavy hair that looks easy no matter the weather. i link my looks to happiness, and i'm no where near what i feel like i should look like. i want to be slim-hipped and skinny, able to throw any old thing on and look amazing. i want wide-set eyes and a delicate mouth, a more-heart shaped face, one that doesn't look like a big rectangle with my hair pulled back. i want sharp shoulders. i want a tattoo on my ribcage, just one word. i want to be shorter. i don't. i want longer legs. i want lighter hair. i don't want my face to crunch up the way it does when i truly laugh. i want to look amazing in candid photos. i don't know what i want.

i feel older than my age. i feel younger than my age. i feel like i know everything. i feel like everyone knows more than i do. i feel like most people have already had so many more life experiences. i feel like i have had so many more life experiences. i feel like i know what i want to do, and i feel like i don't. i have goals, but they aren't crystal clear, and they're something i'm afraid i'm not cut out for. i resent people younger than me who have a much stronger sense of self.

i fear mediocrity. i fear being average. no one strives for second place, yet i have a feeling that i won't succeed. i feel like i'm selling myself short. i feel like i could have done so much better in school. i feel like my scores could have been higher. i feel like i should go to the best schools because i have potential, but i don't feel that i would enjoy myself. maybe i would. i don't give anything a chance. i feel like i so desperately want to get away, but i'm scared to be alone. i'm afraid of leaving old friends behind, which is such a stupid thing to do. i feel as though i'll burn out so quickly if i don't do something i like in life, but i worry that doing something i like as a career will diminish its value. if i even get there of course. someone has to work in the industry, someone has to claw their way up, so who says it can't be me? who says it can. i don't have the experience. i didn't choose to go to college in nyc, i'm not taking it seriously. i'll end up a nurse or something predictable, something i hate because i was afraid of putting myself out there.


pathetic? yes. but this was rather cathartic.
regular photos and such will return shortly.